When my brother was arrested, I knew my life would different. Everything would be different. Each member of my family immediately began making their individual sacrifices. It quickly became the untouchable subject. The arrest forced us to be different. It was like stepping into a completely different reality.
I’ve decided to focus on this point because watching the arrest gave my environment a bit of a shock. Aside from petty trouble in school, my brother was a pretty well behaved child. Outside of school, my brother was always looking to offer a helping hand. He enjoyed gardening, and would grow these huge rose bushes each year. As a family we looked forward to the abundance of roses each summer. My brother got a bit more of this knowledge than I did. By the time I would reach the age of helping and learning, my brother’s arrest would put an end to family activities.
My brother was hilarious. I love when I catch a glimpse of this person through a phone call or letter. I love when he’s able to find just one teeny joke. That person is so far away now that I rejoice at any sight of him. Like any normal person, my brother loved listening to music and watching movies. My brother loved creating things, and could make the most beautiful wooden sculptures. He was such a talented individual.
At some point I began remembering my childhood as “before” and “after” the arrest. I remember my family members as who they were before and after the arrest. I remember who I was before the arrest. I thought about everything in two stages of my life. The one with my brother and the one without my brother. My family wasn’t perfect, but this broke us. We were so close we didn’t know how to live with this.
Before the arrest, I was a pretty bubbly, ‘I don’t give a shit’ kind of kid. God, I was so full of life. I wasn’t the inmate’s sister. This was when my family still gathered for holidays. After the arrest, not only was I the inmate’s sister, but I was simply a child burdened with adult concerns. After the arrest, the arrest was the only thing I could think about. I wonder if I had such an obsessive personality before the arrest. Life was so different, until it wasn’t. It’s so shocking at first, but eventually this life became my new normal and I struggled to remember as life before the arrest became a distant memory.
Things don’t get easier once you’ve settled into this life, but your reaction changes. Life has an odd way of working out in the end. Years ago I began writing these blog posts as a creative outlet awaiting my time to share. I get out as often as possible. I immerse myself in any and all nature as often as possible, because this is a place where human worries cannot enter. A few years ago I began having this calm and serene attitude. It was life changing.
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.
Everything happened so fast I couldn’t help but question what I could have done differently. How could I change the outcome? I obsessed over each and every decision I made. Every decision my family made. As a loved one, we cannot help but have this mindset. It took me so terribly long to realize there was nothing I did to cause this. There was nothing I could do to prevent this from happening. We tend to keep ourselves mentally incarcerated because our loved ones are enduring a sentence, but there is such freedom in breaking away from this.
I just wanted to take a moment and say THANK YOU for reading! I’m in the process of working on a new project, and I can’t wait to share it with you! I also wanted to use this space as a sneak peak for any of you who have read this far! If you’d like more updates during the process, be sure to subscribe to join the blog family here! Disclaimer: ONLY pics, NO hints 😉